100 items for us to begin

Recently Martin Lewis called out the government suggesting a path forward would be to outline 100 things which bother and irritate the UK and how we can resolved them. We under Frank’s guidance have taken a no nonsense approach to this and devised our own list of changed we believe would help this country resolve our day to day pressures.

Whilst these are not “promises” like some parties might suggest these are instead, ideas, thoughts and wants for a more vibrant, confident, supported and Deformed Britain.

Make Daylight savings days bank holidays
Pound shop will be legally required to rebrand as “Pound and more shop” Or lower their prices
Insulting a new hair cut will result in a fine for the cost of said hair cut to correct it.
Londoners badly impersonating northerners will need to pay a £2 fee to maintain the railway between the north and south.
Northerners badly impersonating Londoners will need to pay £2 fee to a Tea and Coffee kitty to help Londoners afford a cup of tea or coffee.
UK Dictionaries will correct the word Umbrella to formally be Brolly.
Zero hour contracts will be eliminated.
Shrinkflation changes to products will need to be advertised by the brand in question with a detail of what their top CEO made in earnings that year.
Media outlets reporting on light snow as “the storm of the century” will be made to work outside until weather improves.
Damage to cars parking across two parking spaces or in a disabled spot with no longer be a chargeable offence.
Telling an employee to arrive to work before their scheduled hours to be “ready to go” will be a slappable offence.
Internet providers will need to offer 1 Month rolling contracts at a stable rate competitive to their 12-24 month rates or board members face catapult into the Trent river.
The legal minimum for biscuit consumption will be two. We’ve had enough of this “I’ll just have one” nonsense.
Getting annoyed with a self service machine is allowed but getting mad at staff for it will result in customer being forced to pretend to be a self checkout for two days
Films advertising their dates on TV or Web as : Month, Number without ‘th’, ‘nd’ or ‘st’ on the suffix will be banned from advertising. “Coming June 25” It’s 25th you plum.
Pillock will no longer be considered offensive language in polite company.
Manufacturers of “peel here” or “tear here to open” will be subject to fine each time that does not work smoothly.
Telling the homeless to ‘get a job’ will result in said homeless person being given offenders job and pay for a month.
Sitting in a reserved seat on a train and making a fuss when the person who booked the seat arrives will result in the offender being delayed enough to cause inconvenience at their next location.
Evri will be closed, they have gone on long enough.
Applying gratuity automatically or having a percent to tip screen rotated to a consumer will be illegal. Tips are allowed but not expected.
Minimum wage will be abolished and replaced with the Living wage and never shall there be a disparity again.
Telling people to cheer up or smile will lead to only ever being served lukewarm drinks. No hot or cold for a year. This also applies to at home
Guest wifi will no longer require an email address or personal details.
Mince pies being available prior to November 5th will be banned
Christmas decorations will also follow the above format
Easter eggs/decorations will not be available for sale until March
Not returning a trolley will result in the offender being nicknamed ‘Trolly Twat’ formally for the rest of the month. Repeat offences will lead to a name change by deed poll.
Train companies will refund any delayed train tickets automatically not with a form submission after 10 minute delay.
“Admin fees/processing fees” for Online booking without a human present will be banned.
Describing something as “inedible” when you just don’t like it will result in you only being able to buy plain white bread from food establishments for a year.
Charging a delivery charge for “pick up in store” will be banned.
Not indicating your travel direction on a roundabout will result in points on your license and being forced into a merry go round for six hours.
Complaining that any other country is not the same as the UK will result in a full travel ban. Air/Train/Bus/Cycle/Car even within the UK.
Auto mailing paper catalogues and or signing users to a newsletter will result in offending company CEO and board members to perform litter picking for one year.
Repeating adverts on TV and Radio will only be allowed to air at maximum twice a day.
Leaving a fast food place without clearing your table will result in a year cleaning toilets after Saturday nights in clubs.
All Ice cream must be served with a flake unless allergies are at play. If said flake is not wanted it will be removed and consumed by your server for dealing with your nonsense.
Pulling into the yellow box when your exit is not clear will result in your car being crushed.
Stopping without warning in front of people in front of you provides the right to the people who almost walked into you to Keck you.
All companies will be encouraged to choose silly and often suggestive names for their products to increase confusion among Americans. Tax breaks will be available for the best names.
Pronunciation of all supermarkets by law will need to have a ‘S’ Added to the end of the word regardless of original spelling.
Interrupting someone eating in the workplace with either work or uninvited small talk will result in said offender eating a whole box of liquorice all sorts.
Not sharing pet photos with friends for over a month will result in prison time
Landlords with over two properties will be removed from society by way of exclusion from all pubs and restaurants and their properties sold to first time buyers at discount.
Referring to your favourite football team’s performance as though you were on the pitch will result in others being allowed to sample a bite of all your meals for a month.
Freddos will need to either increase in size or reduce in cost.
Sale of British confectionery companies to US companies is no longer allowed
All users of “rail replacement” will be offered a complimentary creme egg regardless of time of year.
Commenting on a customer’s purchases is no longer allowed other than to encourage them in that they made a decision.
People “writing” in coffee shops will be made to read what they wrote after their visit aloud to the group.
Break out into groups is now a prisonable offence in business training.
Bouncy Castles will need to provide Bouncy knights and horses as standard.
Not having prices on your products is now against trading standards and you can be fined as such.
Fishing photos on dating profiles must be accompanied by a further photo of you being held like you’re holding the fish.
‘Must like travel’ included on dating profiles must be accompanied by receipts of recent trips.
Asking for “Just coffee” in a coffee shop gives the cafe owner a ten minute window to ask you to leave. You wouldn’t ask for “Just cake” in a bakery.
Saying “waste of money” on social media will result in a £10 fine with money going toward your local art institute.
Commenting “You’d never be allowed to show this these days” Will require said commenter to use a special kettle which takes 30 minutes to boil for one year.
Any offer of a cuppa is required to come with a biscuit offer as well.
All banks must offer at least one in person counter service in any town/city they have customers. Even if they have self service kiosks, even if it’s for something small they must deal with those customers.
Government pay is to be tied to match Nurse pay (Yes we took this from @countbinface but it’s a very good idea)
No Mp’s will be allowed second homes in their or their partners names.
Sugarcubes Night Club Lincoln will be declared a national monument to protect it from any form of closure rumours.
All statues of former or existing MP’s built will be the responsibility of that Mp’s descendants to maintain at their own cost and labour and will receive no special protections.
Anyone using the phrase “This country has gone to the dogs” Will be required to adopt a rescue dog and maintain it in good health until it passes.
Growth and home use of Marijuana will be legalised whilst commercial sale is still banned. If you can grow it and cultivate it you may smoke/bake with it Same as homebrew.
Green bins will no longer be an “extra charge” and instead be provided as requested and use encouraged.
All seats for flights leaving the UK will be assigned.
All people complaining about waste of money on arts funding will be required to destroy their media collection and along with a £10 fine as stated in point 58.
Only one soap seller will be allowed per craft fair or fete.
All jobs must specify in their job listing the minimum income they will pay for the role.
All full Car licences will allow operation of a moped or 125cc motorcycle by the licence holder after completion of a two wheel theory test and passed CBT for as long as the licence is held.
Serving size calorie info on the side of food must now reflect “100g portion, Recommended portion and National average portion” Companies will be allowed a year to conduct the relevant market research to mee the new standard
Fox hunting will be allowed but the part of the fox must be played by a human member of the hunt.
All restaurants serving on non-traditional plates (Buckets, slate, chopping boards) will be required to provide a “plate” option for patrons upon request at no cost.
Wagamamas will be required to provide a ratio of : more individual tables than community tables at all establishments.
Confinement of Jacob Rees-Mogg to a one bed flat in the borough of London he finds least desirable for the following decade without a nanny.
All road rage disputes must be resolved with tiddlywinks at the roadside over a warm drink as long as it takes.
The renaming of all trains operating in Britain to names chosen by public poll.
Recognition of voting days as public holidays.
Extension of England’s NYD bank holiday to include NYE.
All workers on bank holidays get double time and a free sausage roll meat/meat free, their choice at a minimum.
MP’s have permission to swear at an opponent once a year without consequence.
All purchases of a power tool must come with free first aid kit
End of the TV license
Support baggers for the end of Aldi tills to help keep up with the pace for solo and elderly shoppers.
Under filled beverages will require a free drink coupon to be provided to the customer, hot or cold the customer knows the risk so fill it up.
50% reduction in business rates for small independent businesses on all high streets.
Staff working 6 hours or more will be provided either lunch or financial means to purchase a meal deal.
Meal deals to be considered a national concern and may never increase in price nor reduce in quality from their current standard circa 2025
All car parks too offer the first hour free.
All buses/underground rails/trams to offer free travel to under 18’s and over 60’s across the UK.
Commission of a Statue of Brian Blessed shouting at you to be added to the entrance of Heathrow arrivals with no context or label to set the tone for all visitors to the UK
A ban on all reboots/remakes from media outlets for the next five years within the British film industry
£200 Fines for rent-a-cycle/scooter users who block footpaths for wheelchairs.
Elimination of inheritance tax on estates worth less than £200,000
Use of the ten item or less line with more than ten items will result in the cashier keeping your items and you having to start again.
Free school dinners
End of the removal of benefits for the disabled upon marriage.

Frank Totter endorses this list and believes in a more deformed Britain.